


Secret Godstuck

by BreedingDuties



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Godstuck, Kiwis, Other, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:47:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,333
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21588616
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BreedingDuties/pseuds/BreedingDuties
Summary: Wherein our divine heroes live among the population anonymously, going about their daily lives as the world worships the heck out of them.
Relationships: Jade Harley/Dave Strider, John Egbert/Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 4
Kudos: 59





	1. Favor

**Author's Note:**

> These were a series of pesterlogs themed around an AU I had imagined originally from my Tumblr. I only recently managed to recover them, so now I'm reposting it to you folks. Lucky you.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

GA: John 

GA: It Is Kanaya 

EB: i wouldn’t have guessed… 

GA: John Are You Awake 

EB: i am now. 

GA: I Need Something From You 

EB: if you’re going to try and steal baby formula and diapers from me again because of that weird roleplay crap you were doing with terezi, forget it! 

EB: that poor sack of flour… 

GA: I Would Not Do Such A Thing Anymore 

GA: I Take Them From Jade Instead 

GA: She Has So Much 

GA: She Will Not Miss Them 

GA: Mostly Because I Did Not Tell Her I Took Them 

GA: But I Am Not Here For That 

GA: I Need You To Destroy Something For Me 

EB: ummm, what? 

GA: The Author Of The Sunlight Series 

GA: I Cannot Remember Her Name But It Is Something Stupid 

GA: She Must Be Destroyed 

GA: I Would Like You To Make Bad Weather Destroy Her 

EB: wait, the one who writes the vampire romance novels? 

GA: She Rewrites Rainbow Drinkers In A Way That Disrespects Them 

GA: Her Writings Are An Affront To My Culture And Offend Me 

GA: And They Are Also Racist 

GA: I Received Them As A Gift And I Have Never Been So Insulted In My Life 

EB: whoa, calm down! 

EB: pretty sure according to rose you aren’t a vampire anyway, you’re like some sort of troll super babysitter! 

GA: You Are Also Being Offensive 

GA: I Am Not A Babysitter 

GA: I Have Never Sat On A Baby 

GA: John Why Are You Accusing Me Of Such Things 

EB: look, i know you don’t like the books but that’s no reason to want to kill someone! 

GA: Why Not 

GA: ? 

GA: Did You Not Beat Up A Small Child Because You Did Not Like His Stories 

EB: that’s different, he was evil! 

GA: No More Evil Than The Presumptuous Bitch I Wish Death Upon 

GA: All I Ask For Is A Small Death Tube 

EB: you mean a tornado? 

GA: I Am Trying To Ask You Informally 

EB: no! 

EB: look 

EB: even if i wanted to… 

GA: You Should Want To 

EB: it takes a lot to affect the weather like that, it’d be a big huge light show! 

EB: people would notice and then i’d have to leave my home, so would roxy. 

EB: is that what you want kanaya, for rose’s mother to have to leave the life she’s left behind? 

GA: Yes 

GA: Wait 

GA: Maybe 

GA: Is It Too Much To Ask For At Least A Burned Down House 

EB: arrgggh! 

EB: look just go ask jade, you’re friends and she’s good with stuff like that. 

GA: She Currently Suspects Me Of Stealing Baby Supplies 

GA: Because As I Mentioned I Stole Them 

EB: im getting off… 

GA: Very Well 

GA: I Will Ask You About This When You Are Less Cranky 

EB: ugggggh. 

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]


	2. Kiwi

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]

CG: ROSE. 

CG: YOU WILL ANSWER ME ROSE. 

TT: Karkat you realize it’s four in the morning where I am? 

CG: TIME MEANS NOTHING TO ME ROSE. 

CG: AT FOUR AM DO YOU KNOW WHAT KIWIS ARE DOING? 

TT: They are on the prowl for the blood of heretics? 

CG: I- 

CG: HAVE WE HAD THIS CONVERSATION BEFORE? 

TT: Look Karkat, New Zealand isn’t going to sink into the sea anytime soon. What do you want? 

CG: THERE HAS BEEN A VIOLATION OF OUR PACT. YOU BROKE THE FUCKING RULES. 

TT: Rules? 

CG: WE LAID GROUND RULES ROSE. 

CG: RULE ONE: YOU DON’T FUCK WITH MY KIWIS. 

CG: RULE TWO: YOU DON’T FUCK WITH MY KIWIS. 

CG: RULE FUCKING THREE: YOU DO NOT FUCKING FUCK WITH MY FUCKING KIWIS. 

CG: AND YOU ALSO KEEP ME OFF ANY OF THOSE QUASI-RELIGIOUS MARKETING BULLSHIT. 

CG: I AGREED TO HAVE MY VISAGE ON THE NATIONAL COIN BUT THAT IS FUCKING IT. 

TT: Ah, this is a money thing? 

CG: IT ABSOLUTELY IS A MONEY THING. 

CG: YOU FUCKERS CAN JUST PICK UP AND MOVE SOMEWHERE ELSE IF YOU FUCK UP. 

CG: BUT I HAVE PEOPLE WHO DEPEND ON ME. MY KINGDOM IS NOTHING WITHOUT ITS KING. 

CG: SO WHEN SOME RICH STOCKFUCKING OLD MONEY BASTARD STARTS MARKETING THE ANCIENT MAORI GOD KAKAT TO TOURISTS, GUESS WHAT? 

CG: PEOPLE ARE GOING TO COME LOOKING FOR THE KIWI GOD. TRYING TO SNAP PICTURES OF ME OUT SHOPPING LIKE THOSE BRAINDEAD IMBECILES IN NEW JERSEY KEEP TRYING TO SNAP PICTURES OF DOGFOOT OR THE NEW YORK VAMPIRE LADY. 

CG: GIVE MY REGARDS TO KANAYA BY THE WAY. 

TT: Are you implying that somehow I am responsible for the spotlight being shown on your kingly visage? 

CG: I DID NOT PUPATE YESTERDAY LALONDE. THESE WINE-SIPPING ASSHOLES ALWAYS HAVE TIES TO YOUR LITTLE FUCKING PANTHEON. 

CG: IT’S ALWAYS SOME ELEVATED DISCIPLE BECAUSE YOU ALL WANT TO LIVE “NORMAL” FUCKING LIVES BUT STILL NEED MEDICAL ATTENTION OR YOUR ASSHOLES CLEANED OR WHAT THE FUCK EVER. 

CG: AND THE TROLLS ARE THE ONES WHO HAVE TO PICK UP THE PIECES BECAUSE YOU HAND SOME FUCK NUCLEAR LAUNCH CODES OR A PRESIDENTAL APPOINTMENT IN EXCHANGE FOR THEM TOSSING YOU A BONE. 

CG: WHO WAS IT THIS TIME ROSE? IS MY NEW NEMESIS YOUR HAIRSTYLIST OR THE PERSON WHO CLEANS YOUR FUCKING BATHROOM? 

CG: OR DID YOU GIVE THAT ONE A SENATE SEAT? 

TT: Karkat I understand your concerns, but New Zealand is not my jurisdiction. 

TT: And my hair is naturally this way thank you. 

CG: OH EXCUSE ME THEN. 

CG: THEN WHO WORKING IN THE DEPARTMENT OF BULLSHIT DO I FILE MY COMPLAINTS TO? 

TT: Dirk manages Australia and its surroundings. He said he was used to a world where everything tried to kill you. 

CG: APPROPRIATE. 

CG: VERY WELL LALONDE, YOU ARE SPARED MY WRATH. 

CG: BUT IF I SEE ONE MORE FUCKING OVERWEIGHT KHAKI-SHORT WEARING MOTHERFUCKER ASKING IF I’M THE “CUCKER” YOUR LANDS WILL BE FLOODED WITH ARMIES OF KIWIS. 

CG: FLOODED LALONDE. YOU WILL DROWN IN A SEA OF MY MINIONS. 

TT: Duly noted your majesty. 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT]


	3. Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you get all the references Dave makes, congratulations you're probably old.

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering ectoBiologist [EB]

TG: sup mister twister 

EB: huh? 

TG: okay right over your head duly noted 

TG: i saw the news apparently youve been busy 

EB: oh god no, please don’t talk to me about that 

TG: so the massive fucking tornado army running through the midwest isnt you 

EB: no! 

EB: maybe. 

EB: i’ve no idea! 

EB: i feel terrible, like i could have prevented it but i’m just 

TG: too comfortable where you are now 

EB: exactly! 

EB: but then there’s the whole feeling of being the weather god and not stopping this. 

EB: or being the weather god and actually causing this. 

EB: and there’s a lot of awkwardness involved though! 

EB: like according to the whole holy book stuff because of this i’m going to hell… 

EB: which is especially awkward because also i apparently rule hell. 

TG: woah woah 

TG: no 

TG: you are not the underworld god 

EB: i am! i get a ferry and a four-eyed giant cat guarding hell and everything. 

TG: okay no 

TG: where does it say this in the book 

TG: what verse 

EB: uhhh… check matthew 12:17? 

TG: oh hell no 

TG: matthew you fucker 

TG: i built him a castle specifically in exchange for getting to be the underworld god 

TG: i had that all psyched up in my head 

TG: man now i have to go unleash frogs on his descendants or something 

TG: hey at least thats intentional not like youre directly giving bill paxton something to run away from 

EB: i think i am though! 

EB: it wasn’t even tornado season, that’s why i feel guilty.. 

EB: i go anywhere and the weather follows me like an eager- 

TG: john i swear to me if you say like a puppy i will go back in time and make the arctic ice shelf announce to the world that you have a tiny dick 

EB: jeez, sore spot? 

TG: dont even get me started 

TG: do you know how much those stupid floppy hats they force toddlers to wear cost 

TG: seventeen whole dollars each 

TG: thats 102 dollars im down by and that is just god damn unacceptable 

EB: you invented the concept of money dave, you’re literally the god of wealth. 

TG: its the principle of the thing john 

TG: they know i have to buy this shit if i ever want to go for a walk or a family picnic 

TG: and even then im at the mercy of the ornery posiedonlike wrath called cranky three year olds 

TG: like one tantrum or one chased cat 

TG: and boom 

TG: covers blown pack the bags jade we have to go live on a rock in the british isles and wait for hagrid to come save us 

TG: fucking thanks lalondes 

TG: i dont get to bring back velociraptors to ride but we get to have plenty of cats roaming the earth ripe to fuck my little suburb slice of heaven up 

TG: also domesticated owls 

TG: for some reason 

EB: karkat likes birds. 

TG: look you have it easy john 

TG: the only ease i get is that people dont bat an eye if you put your kid on a leash 

TG: just watching tons of royal dogs call me robert merivel but i dont build robot suits 

EB: it sounds to me like you like being a dad! 

TG: damn fucking straight 

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]


	4. Trip

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG]

GG: daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave!!!! 

TG: good job trying to break the character limit but you missed a few letters 

GG: when are you coming home??? 

TG: still really 

TG: come on jade you gotta stop it with the dog time thing 

TG: get on human time 

TG: no need to ask me every day 

GG: i want to though! 

GG: i miss you! 

TG: trust me i miss you too 

GG: sooooo 

GG: where are you? 

TG: ice ages 

TG: trying to resurrect ray romano and what was it 

TG: was it like queen latifah who played the girlmammoth in the second one 

GG: i never saw those films… 

TG: count your blessings 

GG: oh dont worry ive had to sit through cars 2 several times! 

TG: so have i 

TG: we suffer together jade 

TG: but i have to manage these mammoths now 

GG: mammoths? 

GG: i swear we had something to do with mammoths before 

TG: well jade when you were pregnant its all you wanted to eat 

TG: it was either that or saturn but nasa would have complained 

TG: and we decided between mammoths and nasa we liked nasa more 

GG: oh yeah! 

GG: i loved mammoth 

TG: you wouldnt want to eat a mammoth if i wasnt able to get a mammoth 

TG: why couldnt you have just been satisfied with a normal elephant or something 

TG: see thats why im back here jade 

TG: your loneliness is self inflicted 

GG: :( 

GG: its not like i wiped them out or anything you big baby! 

TG: jade you did 

GG: oh… 

GG: neat! :P 

TG: thats why im back here 

TG: trying to get giant hairy elephants to fuck enough times so that the timeline is preserved 

TG: youd be thrilled since im probably living the furry dream 

TG: watching animals fuck for science 

GG: hey we agreed only i can do things for science! 

TG: woah no 

TG: okay we are both science here 

TG: that is a given 

TG: i bring the 

TG: whatever i do 

TG: and you bring the nuclear engineering and physics 

TG: we walk down the street with our science and people will be like 

TG: its mr and mrs science 

TG: and not try and saying anything relating to like math and shit 

TG: because they know they arent nearly as science as we are 

GG: hehe 

GG: our house should be all scienced up too! 

TG: damn right 

TG: a million buttons that do nothing 

TG: then a ghost possesses it because we made it on an indian burial ground and we remake a shitty horror movie 

GG: pff were the science couple we know ghosts arent real! 

TG: yeah but they are 

GG: okay but then the ghost cant do anything to the house because its an old man ghost and it thinks technology is scary! 

GG: so it keeps writing on the wall about how it cant figure out the wifi! 

TG: you sound familiar with this 

GG: grandpa thought a router was something you did to a toilet… 

GG: it was weird you give him an arc reactor and hed be great! 

GG: but he could never figure out how to open a laptop 

TG: eh selective aptitude 

TG: its like how the kids seem really good at finding new ways to try and kill themselves but not realizing what they can and cant stick in their little mouths 

GG: :( 

TG: oh fuck shouldnt have said that 

TG: ill be coming home soon jade really 

TG: ring the doorbell and be covered in puppies like im some sort of dogship thats been out on the dogsea for more than five god damn minutes and theyre barnacles 

GG: you sure you cant come home a few days early? 

TG: nope got mammoths sex to watch 

GG: please? 

TG: sorry 

GG: pleeeeeeeeeeeaaaase? 

GG: .n. 

TG: jade what is that 

GG: ono 

TG: are you seriously trying to do puppydog eyes via text 

GG: OnO 

GG: ( )n( ) 

TG: okay fine you win 

TG: just stop before you make a pair of ascii breasts 

GG: <3 

GG: dont worry! 

GG: youll still fulfill your furry sex quota! 

GG: ;) 

TG: that was way less enticing than you think 

GG: oh please you liked it you big whiner! 

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]


End file.
